fell on black days.

He watched a couple of drops form on his thumb and index finger, looking at it with a seeming indifference and watching it fall almost in slow motion in his mind, to dissipate in the water of the bathtub; losing their color after a few moments. He idly moved in the warm water and stared at the ceiling and for a moment was he not certain if it was really moving or it was his state of intoxication at this point of time.
This is taking too long.
He saw the showerhead and also noticed drops forming there and he waited for them to fall, but eternity took too long and he returned to watching the drops on his hands instead. He took a swig from the glass on the chair beside him and grimaced as the taste of the whiskey stung then he felt the warmth; inside him the whiskey echoed the temperature of the water. He opened it a bit further and felt it sting and watched the drops form a bit faster. He felt a little more colder, a bit more colder despite the water.
Better.
He heard Chris Cornell singing in the living room; vague and familiar, singing a song from a decade ago, about falling on black days, and wondered why it didn't hurt as much now as before. The water had taken on a more darker shade but he could still see the sharp contrast of his naked body against the whiteness of the tub, the colors almost surreal and he began to see stars near the edge of his vision, and reached over to drink more and his left hand slipped into the water, almost without him noticing.
Almost numb.
The last of the whiskey was pure heat and he wondered why he was still here, even as his vision grew dimmer and thought about everything that had led him up to this point, to this apartment and to this small bathtub. For some reason, he realized for the first time in years, he didn't feel lonely, though he didnt feel happy also. He was in a state he knew that was devoid of anything, a sort of release and all he wanted to do was close his eyes now, to let the blackness take over, to just surrender and not feel anything, even the multiple razor cuts across his left arm.
Emotionless.
He would have heard Chris Cornell singing again about falling on black days when they played Soundgarden on his wake up to his funeral procession. It didn't rain the day they buried him.

going away for the holidays.

since I miss my family to the point of physical pain and more than Naga at this point in time and since I am wishing that I'll be with them in time for Christmas next year, here's something for all of you.

here's wishing you a bit of sadness -- a little something to appreciate those happy moments better;
here's wishing you cold nights -- a few moments to take pleasure in the warmth of an embrace and the warmth of a held hand;
here's wishing you a tiny bit of regret -- to help you remember choices that made you live more and that made you give a damn more about yourself

and here's wishing you some time enough for love when Christmases like birthdays have become routine.

walang katapusang bakit.

Matagal ko ng naisip na darating at darating din ang panahon na 'to, na kailangan ko 'tong paghandaan. Pero alam kong wala naman talagang taong handa dito, na di naman talaga puedeng paghandaan ang mga ganitong pangyayari sa buhay. Kusang darating at darating na lamang ito at talagang pag iisipan mo ang mga sasabihin mo, na kung tama ba ang mga sagot na binigay mo, at kadalasan di ka iimik at titingnan mo na lamang siya kasi alam mong wala kang sagot, na wala ka talagang alam na sagot at talagang walang pwedeng sagot sa kanyang tanong. At sasabihin mo rin sa kanya at sa sarili mong hindi mo talaga alam ang sagot.

Bakit? Bakit hindi mo alam?

At di ka tatantanan, dahil kailangan mong sagutin. Kailangan niyang malaman. Gusto niyang malaman. At pag hindi mo na alam ang sasabihin, ikaw mismo ay nanaisin mo na ring malaman kung ano talaga ang sagot at pareho na kayong magtatanong.

Bakit.

Pero di ko tatanungin ang tadhana ng bakit at kung bakit kailangan talagang malaman ng anak kong 3 taon pa lamang ang salitang "Bakit?" kasi alam ko na ang kanyang isasagot, at ito'y isang tanong rin.

Bakit?

sige, isuot mo na slippers mo.
Bakit ko kailangan isuot slippers ko?
Kasi madudumihan ang paa mo.
Bakit madudumihan ang paa ko?

Kinuha ko na lang slippers at sinuot sa kanya. Marahil yun na ang pinaka mainam na sagot. At alam ko madali pang sagutin yung tanong na yun kasi minsan nagtanong na siya kung bakit daw kailangan ko pang magtrabaho, kung bakit daw kailangan pang matulog, kung bakit daw kailangan pang kumain.

Minsan sabi ko gaganti ako, kaya't isang hapon habang mag nnap kami tinanong ko siya, habang nagkkwentuhan kami, nakahiga sa kama at nakatingala at habang ang isip niya ay nasa paghahanap nung butiki na tumago na lang bigla:

Bakit mo love si papa?
Kasi nandoon si Pooh sa taas ng bed.
Bakit nasa taas si Pooh ng bed?
Kasi kasama niya si Pi-let.
Matapos ang ilang saglit ng pag-iisip sabi ko na lang:
Sige, nap na tayo.

Bakit ganito. Bakit?

happy holidays.

a happy christmas everybody, and hoping the next year would be better than the last.

as the stars slowly came out.

I have things to tell you that would cease to be my secrets once you hear them. Perhaps they are called truths more than secrets. Nothing conspiratorial, only things spinning inside me that also want to orbit around you. I wanted to tell you in the most logical way possible but I knew that would be futile, since always when it comes to you it would involve emotions, passion and warm fuzzy feelings. The fever that I have been running for years now lately burned a few degrees higher that my vision shimmers even during at night, and more when it rains. It shimmers enough that I see I illusions, mirages where you glimmer alongside.

The stars may want to proxy for your ears tonight and I will whisper some of those things as I look up and see your eyes instead. Perhaps some fragments of what I tell them will come to you in your dreams. Perhaps you might see them in the peripheries of a fading dream as you wake up, and think about me. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps... the uncertainties of our certainties. I smile wistfully and stop in mid-thought and start to wish instead as a falling star flashes across the sky.

In time, I will get to tell you of the things you already know, things you already feel, things that will make your eyes shift somewhere other than mine as I make you remember them, things that will make you smile without even moving your lips and things that will make you embrace me and say my name but things you have never heard me say to you.

You only need to be there.

while eating a hotdog sandwich.

I waited for evening, calmly comforting a hunger and watched the muted pastel sky darkening, the pink and violets all fading to dark blue. There was more sky to look at here in Fort Bonifacio more than four years ago, more uninterrupted sky but I knew if I walked farther away where no condominiums marred my line of sight, it was more or less the same heavens I gazed at.

The evening, before it came, brought out things in finer detail. I noticed the silhouette of trees in the golf course, the empty scaffoldings of an unfinished condo, the bats slipping in and out of sight, the almost lazy traffic during Sundays here in the Fort and just then, I felt the coldness of December. I was not even halfway through the sandwich.

I vaguely remembered tasting catsup in between bites as my mind uncorked after days of fuzz and of just going through the motions, and then there you were again, as distinct as my first memory of seeing you; queen of my mind, keeper of my heart. The evening had just come quietly and I was watching the fading light being overcome by the unnatural orange of the streetlights and the halogen headlights of the cars passing by.

Fort Bonifacio had just gotten a little darker, and a little lonelier this Sunday, despite that big Christmas tree and the lights and I noticed that I had finished eating and was holding the sandwich wrapper tightly, the catsup smearing my right hand that it looked more like blood than condiment under the light.

Before I went up the 12th, I looked around and seeing mostly cars and too little people walking around I realized that I was not really in the mood for Christmas and too many people at the same time, only wishing that it was just the two of us, somewhere warm, somewhere dim and quiet.

Then I rode the elevator to electronic reality and a veiled capitalist dream and while missing you, died a little as the elevator passed the 8th floor.

good night.

kinaulay ko kansubanggi su mga bituon
mientras na nakatugdon sinda sa diklom kang langit
aram mong tama man si simbag ninda
pagkatapos kong makiulay, makipahinghing
paghuna ko ngani dai na ninda ako nadadangog
ta halangkawon na sindang maray
pero tama sagkod nadangog palan kang mga bituon.
"padangat ta ka. padangaton taka."
pero bako yan, bako yan si simbag
yan si pinakiulay ko. si pinahinghing ko.
su simbag kang mga bituon, ang sabi ninda sako:
"basta."